i am willing to change

waking up, it's 4am, and I'm super excited. weird, i know.

no not weird derek, just knew to you, my soul echoes through me. you are finally excited to be alive. it's been a long time since you have felt this way. you've been putting off experiencing your happiness for some future time when everything is going according to your plan. but you have made a huge step. you have shifted. you are excited about the day ahead. it's good to be excited. there are so many possibilities for you today especially when you come from a place of acceptance.

thank you, i silently offer back to my soul.

i've been asking for guidance more. guidance from within me. i've been asking for energy because i want to expand, i want to learn, i want to grow. and when i always feel tired, i am not giving myself the chance to change. but i'm open to hearing what my soul wants to share with me now. my soul is communicating directly with me.

and share with me she did. she gave me the power to start my mirror work - i just started the other day. i've known about this technique for years, but i've always laughed at the craziness of this approach. i told myself that's too easy it can't really work for me. probably because i was afraid of change. i was afraid that it would work. i was not ready for the transformation.

yet, something in me led me to the mirror the other night, and i looked deep into my big, blue eyes. i smiled for the first time in over a year when i looked at myself. bliss.

i said i love you, i am willing to change, i am willing to release all resistance. over and over and over i repeated these lines. each time with more and more excitement. my smile grew and grew until i couldn't stop smiling. by the end of my mirror work quote unquote session, i was beaming from ear to ear. i am ready to heal i told myself. thank you i offered to my soul.

i am willing to change.

i am willing to release all resistance now.

these are the affirmations i've been saying to myself for the past couple of days. not only saying to myself in my head but out loud in front of a mirror. when i look deeply into my eyes, i stare into a being, a soul that is so much more than my physical body.

for over a year, i've been abusing my body with hateful words and toxic substances. substances that are foreign to my body - a body that is meant to house love. i've wanted out of my physical body. i couldn't smile. i couldn't bear to see myself. i was hateful to my body.

i expressed hatred. i expressed anger. i expressed jealously.

i did this because i asked for it. everything was going so good for me. everything in my life was magically unfolding. yet i was still looking for the approval of others. i was anxiously awaiting their approval. yet their approval never came. and i caved. i shut down.

for a year, i've been saying bad things. i've experienced so much stored anger and frustration inside me. i needed to get it out of me. so i took it out on my body. i took it out on my mind. i took it out on my soul. hatred enveloped my being. 

i hit rock bottom. i'm afraid to explain all the details.

my soul comforts me, that will come when you accept who you are. each experience you have is part of your beautiful journey that you signed up for when you came into this physical body.

you are a genius. you came from a place of non-being where all was perfect. you were unconditional. you were love. somewhere along the way - as you got older, you slowly forgot the essence of who you are.

you are about to experience a powerful reawakening as you engage in the joyful creation of your life.

the thoughts you think in this moment become true for you. and you only you hold the power of your thoughts. no words, actions, or emotions from others can penetrate your bubble. stand with a force field of white light. vision it surrounding you. 

and suddenly, i felt that shift happen to me.

i belly laughed so hard last night, to a place where no sounds came out. i released all the hatred, jealously, frustration and fear. i freed the child within me!

my spirit is one of pure love. i have nothing but love for myself. approval of myself. acceptance of myself. to know that i have this unconditional love always within me, i smile. i am safe. all is well.

i am willing to change.